Complex PTSD (CPTSD) is the result of prolonged emotional trauma—often rooted in childhood neglect, abuse, or repeated betrayal. Unlike single-incident PTSD, CPTSD shapes how you relate to others over time. The wounds are deep, and the survival strategies you developed can unintentionally create distance in relationships—even though what you crave most is closeness, safety, and trust.
The Longing That Keeps People at a Distance
For so many trauma survivors, especially those with complex PTSD, connection is a paradox. You crave it desperately—but sometimes, without meaning to, you’re the one pushing it away. You’ve waited for closeness, hoped for it, ached for it—and then, when it’s finally within reach, something in you misfires.
That’s the heartbreak of relational trauma. The very wounds caused by neglect, abuse, or abandonment become the barriers to intimacy. Not because you’re difficult or broken. But because your nervous system learned early on that closeness wasn’t always safe. And that wiring still runs the show.
Understanding the behaviors that result from early trauma isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. Because once you see the patterns, you can begin the delicate, empowering process of change.
7 CPTSD Behaviors That Push People Away
Here are some common CPTSD-related behaviors that push people away, and how to gently become more aware of them.
1. Expecting Rejection Before It Happens
CPTSD creates hypervigilance around abandonment. You might be constantly scanning others for signs they’re pulling away—even when they’re not. This fear can lead to jumping to conclusions, interpreting silence as rejection, or assuming the worst.
What it looks like:
- Asking for constant reassurance
- Withdrawing first to avoid being left
- Interpreting a short text as a sign of disinterest
Why it pushes people away:
Loved ones may feel they’re walking on eggshells or that their intentions are always being misread. It can become emotionally exhausting for them—even if they deeply care about you.
2. Becoming Emotionally Numb or Shut Down
To protect yourself, you may detach completely when emotions rise—either yours or someone else’s. Emotional shutdown was once a life-saving tool to avoid overwhelming pain or punishment. But in close relationships, it can feel like abandonment or disinterest to others.
What it looks like:
- Going silent during conflict
- Nodding along but not truly present
- Being unable to express joy, grief, or vulnerability
Why it pushes people away:
Others may feel shut out, confused, or like they don’t matter. Emotional connection becomes difficult to maintain without reciprocity or presence.
Related: 5 Childhood Wounds (and How to Heal Them)
3. Overreacting to Small Triggers
When you’re carrying a backlog of unprocessed trauma, minor events can hit with disproportionate force. A partner running late, a friend forgetting to call, or a shift in tone might feel like betrayal.
What it looks like:
- Explosive anger over small things
- Sudden emotional spirals
- Accusing someone of hurting you without asking for clarification
Why it pushes people away:
People may not understand the depth of your response and feel unfairly attacked. They may begin to fear triggering you, even unintentionally.
4. Testing People to See If They’ll Leave
Out of fear of abandonment, you might unconsciously test the people you love to see if they’ll stick around. These tests aren’t about manipulation—they’re about trying to soothe the deep fear that love will always end in betrayal.
What it looks like:
- Picking fights to see if they’ll still love you afterward
- Withholding affection to gauge their reaction
- Pretending you don’t care just to see if they’ll prove they do
Why it pushes people away:
Even well-intentioned people can burn out under the pressure of constantly needing to prove their loyalty. It creates a cycle where their efforts are never quite enough.
Related: Inner Child Wounds Test (+4 Attachment Imagery Exercises To Heal Inner Child Wounds)
5. Struggling to Receive Love or Praise
CPTSD often comes with deep shame and a core belief of being “too much” or “not enough.” When someone expresses love, compliments you, or offers care, your inner critic may reject it—or assume it’s a lie.
What it looks like:
- Deflecting compliments
- Feeling uncomfortable with affection
- Distrusting kindness or assuming there’s a hidden motive
Why it pushes people away:
Loved ones may feel sad or helpless when their efforts to connect are constantly dismissed or doubted. It can feel like their care has no way to land.
6. Keeping People at a Safe Distance
Intimacy is terrifying when closeness once meant harm. You may feel safer in roles where you care for others but don’t let them truly know you. Being “fine,” helpful, or distant can be a protective identity.
What it looks like:
- Oversharing facts but never emotions
- Refusing help even when you need it
- Laughing off pain or avoiding serious conversations
Why it pushes people away:
Others may want to get closer but feel shut out. Relationships can stay surface-level, leaving both parties feeling alone together.
7. Self-Sabotaging When Things Feel Too Good
When you’ve known more chaos than peace, calm can feel unfamiliar—even unsafe. You may unconsciously create problems when life feels too stable, because it triggers anxiety about when the other shoe will drop.
What it looks like:
- Pushing someone away right after a vulnerable moment
- Picking fights when intimacy deepens
- Ending something before it can end you
Why it pushes people away:
It creates confusion and unpredictability for others. They may feel blindsided or hurt by your withdrawal when things seemed to be going well.
Related: Guilt And Shame In Recovery: Top 10 Tips to Overcome Them
How to Heal from CPTSD and Stop Pushing People Away?
1. Understand That Your Survival Patterns Are Not Character Flaws
CPTSD creates protective behaviors—emotional withdrawal, hypervigilance, people-pleasing, anger outbursts, dissociation. These are not signs you’re broken. They are signs you survived without safety.
First step:
Begin labeling your behaviors as coping strategies, not personality defects. Say to yourself:
“I pushed them away because closeness used to feel dangerous. I don’t need to shame myself—I just need to understand myself.”
This self-compassion is essential. Without it, healing becomes another form of self-punishment.
2. Regulate Your Nervous System Before You Reach for Connection
When you’re dysregulated, you may seek connection in chaotic, anxious, or avoidant ways. Regulating your body first helps you relate instead of react.
Daily somatic practices to help:
- 4-7-8 breathing to slow down racing thoughts
- Lying on the ground to feel support and gravity
- Holding your own hand or placing a hand over your heart
- Rocking gently back and forth to mimic co-regulation
Doing this before difficult conversations makes it more likely you’ll stay present and connected instead of reactive or shut down.
3. Practice Naming Your Triggers Without Acting Them Out
CPTSD often makes your inner alarm go off even when you’re not in danger. Being able to say “I feel triggered” without blaming or shutting down is a huge step toward safe connection.
What to try:
- “I’m feeling really activated right now, and I need a pause to ground myself.”
- “I know this isn’t your fault, but something in this moment reminded me of past hurt.”
- “I want to talk about this, but I’m overwhelmed. Can we slow it down?”
This shows others that you’re working on staying present instead of pushing them away.
Related: How to Break Shame Cycle? Top 8 Strategies
4. Create Relationships That Feel Emotionally Safe—Not Just Exciting
CPTSD often draws you to intensity because that’s what your nervous system is used to. But healing happens in steady, respectful, boring-in-a-good-way relationships.
Start noticing:
- Who makes your body tense and anxious?
- Who respects your no without punishment?
- Who makes you feel like you have to earn love?
Choose closeness with people who feel calm, curious, and consistent—not just “chemistry.”
5. Let People In Slowly—But Let Them In
Because trust was broken in the past, you may protect yourself by staying emotionally distant. But healing requires earned trust—small moments where people show you they are safe.
How to start:
- Share one vulnerable sentence and see how it’s received
- Ask for a small favor and notice their response
- Let someone comfort you without brushing it off
Let yourself receive kindness in small doses. You don’t have to rush openness—but you do need to practice allowing it.
6. Challenge the Story That You’re “Too Much” or “Not Enough”
CPTSD often leaves deep shame: the belief that you’re unlovable, difficult, or broken. This belief drives the push-pull behavior in relationships. You long for connection, but fear you’ll ruin it.
Work with this gently:
- Notice when the shame voice appears: “I’m being too needy” or “They’ll get tired of me.”
- Counter it with a grounded truth: “I am allowed to need. I am learning how to connect.”
- Keep a “proof list” of moments when people stayed, supported, or understood you
Rewriting your internal narrative changes how you show up relationally.
Related: Top 13 Signs You Are Healing From Trauma (& How To Build Emotional Resilience)
7. Learn to Apologize and Repair Without Collapsing
When you do push someone away or react from trauma, don’t spiral into self-hate. Repair is healing—and it teaches your nervous system that conflict doesn’t always lead to abandonment.
Try saying:
- “That came from fear, not from who I want to be with you. I’m sorry I pushed you away.”
- “I’m still learning how to feel safe in closeness, and I appreciate your patience.”
A heartfelt repair builds trust faster than perfection ever could.
8. Seek Therapy That Targets Relational Trauma
Working with a trauma-informed therapist helps you safely explore your relational wounds. Look for therapies like:
- Internal Family Systems (IFS) to understand inner parts that sabotage connection
- Somatic Experiencing to regulate your body during emotional triggers
- EMDR to process past relationship trauma
Healing relational patterns doesn’t just require insight—it requires co-regulation with someone who doesn’t retraumatize you.
Related: Top 10 Complex PTSD Triggers In Relationships
Conclusion
These behaviors aren’t your fault—they are adaptations you created to survive. But if you recognize yourself in them, you can begin to change them. Awareness is the first step toward healing. CPTSD doesn’t make you unlovable—it just means you need relationships that are rooted in safety, consistency, and compassion. And that starts with offering those things to yourself.
