This post contains some of the best double life quotes.
Double Life Quotes
1. “Secrets can cause people to behave in ways that seem entirely out of character—to go to any desperate length to conceal what simply must be hidden, at all costs.” – Gail Saltz
2. “A kind of fear—sometimes, nearly a paranoia—sets in at the mere idea of the secret being unearthed. What if someone finds out I stole that money? What if my employer reads my blog and sees that I’m not just an ordinary nanny, but that I also have an active sex life and have taken Xstasy? What if my best friend finds out I hate her husband? What if my most private self is revealed? Then everything will be lost. The possibility of discovery is played out again and again like a sickening loop of film.” – Gail Saltz
3. “Many secret lives remain sub-rosa for surprisingly long periods of time. Relationships are kept hidden through sheer ingenuity, and dark acts stay in perpetual darkness. The serial killer learns to live with secrecy as his constant companion; so does the illicit lover, or the tax cheat, or the thief.” – Gail Saltz
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4. “The balance of power between secret and secret-keeper is constantly being negotiated. If we can control our own secrets, making sure they occupy the place we want them to, then our lives can seem manageable.” – Gail Saltz
5. “When our secrets start to control us—and far too often they do—then a normal life clicks over into something else: a secret life.” – Gail Saltz
6. “And the reason we are forced to submit in this way is that the secrets we keep to ourselves are only half the story. The other half is composed of the secrets we keep from ourselves.” – Gail Saltz
7. “Secrets: Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. They are here with us at all times, swirling around us, causing problems, generating excitement, forcing us to be watchful. “I know something you don’t know,” goes the singsong of children.” – Gail Saltz
8. “Secrets are like a long inhaled breath that can’t wait to be exhaled, and perhaps never will.” – Gail Saltz
9. “Secrets routinely meet in the air and then disperse, unspoken. And every day, secret-keepers keep on doing what they do: living one life, and then living another.” – Gail Saltz
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10. “To have secrets is to be human. To find in a private world a personal identity is an essential part of what it means to be a member of our species.” – Gail Saltz
11. “But what if the executive asks the secretary out for coffee? What if he doesn’t happen to tell his wife about this tête-à-tête? What if he confides in his secretary some intimacies that he hasn’t shared with his wife? Now the secrets have begun to take on a more sinister cast.” – Gail Saltz
12. “If the secret isn’t understood as a fantasy that need not be acted upon, isn’t being acknowledged by the secret-keeper for what it is, and is solving a problem or conflict that exists in the secret-keeper’s mind, then it might spread. Such a secret we can call malignant.” – Gail Saltz
13. “Where do malignant secrets come from? The seven deadly sins are a good place to start: vanity, envy, anger, greed, sloth, gluttony, and lust. They were designated as potentially “deadly” to the eternal soul by the sixth-century pope Gregory the Great. Apart from their religious significance, these seven categories have endured for a millennium and a half in Western culture because they represent what are probably the most common and most resonant temptations of the heart.” – Gail Saltz
14. “The difference between secrets and secret lives is one of degree. This difference might not be strictly quantifiable.” – Gail Saltz
15. “People keep malignant secrets for basically two reasons. One is the guilt, which is the feeling (valid or not) that you have done something wrong. The other is shame, the feeling (valid or not) that someone else might think badly of you.” – Gail Saltz
16. “Does this secret make me feel guilty, ashamed, humiliated? Would another person who knew my secret judge me as bad, corrupt, disgusting, weird, amoral? If you answer yes to either or both of these questions, you’ll probably feel the need to keep the secret to yourself, regardless of what the secret is. For you, such a secret is one that might never be normalized.” – Gail Saltz
17. “We all have malignant secrets, but malignant secrets wind up metasticizing only because we keep secrets from ourselves.” – Gail Saltz
18. “In many cases the secret life of the lover is born of the belief that any relationship might be able to fulfill a longing for completion. And how acutely a person experiences this longing will affect how likely he or she is to adopt the secret life of the lover. To paraphrase Freud: What do women and men want?” – Gail Saltz
19. “The difference between the secret life of the lover and the open life of the lover, however, is that the secret life of the lover involves another person—“another” as in “an other,” a new other with whom to establish a new identity.” – Gail Saltz
20. “For both these reasons—outside disapproval and inner shame— addicts by nature are veteran secret-keepers.” – Gail Saltz
21. “As is always the case in a secret life, addicts work hard to keep their secret from the rest of the world. But as is usually not the case in a secret life, addicts also work hard to keep the secret of their addiction from themselves.” – Gail Saltz
22. “Just as the secret life of the lover consists of a series of pseudo intimacies, so the secret life of the addict consists of a series of pseudo surrenders: one attempt after another to merge with the world, all doomed to failure.” – Gail Saltz
23. “Sociopathic criminals are experts at secrecy. For them, the secret life of the criminal is merely a variation on their dominant theme: the secret life of me. They are not the person they present to the world, and they know it, and they’ll do anything to keep that secret identity alive, including murder.” – Gail Saltz
24. “For someone whose secrets have gathered enough force and transformed into a fully realized secret life, the emphasis is always on concealment, which in and of itself becomes an active task.” – Gail Saltz
25. “People who live secret lives spend blocks of time and a great deal of energy thinking about and worrying over and imagining what it would be like to be found out. Their hearts race with anxiety as they envision the scenario, and with good reason.” – Gail Saltz
26. “For when a secret life is suddenly discovered, all hell breaks loose.” – Gail Saltz
27. “But there are other secrets that we’ll do anything to keep from being exposed because of what we fear they say about us. What that is, however, might well be a secret even from ourselves. It is concealing this secret from ourselves that leads directly to the creation of a secret life.” – Gail Saltz
28. “The secret life, after all, is in the fight of its life, struggling for its very survival. Under such inner pressure, the secret-keeper might find ingenious ways to go on maintaining that the secret isn’t in fact a secret, or isn’t an important secret, or isn’t his or her fault, anyway. Or else the secret-keeper can try to find a creative way to seal up the potential leak and limit the external damage.” – Gail Saltz
29. “Sometimes, when a secret life does get exposed, it was actually ready to die, and exposure isn’t all that hellish. When the pain of keeping it alive becomes greater than the pain of surrendering its existence, then the revelation of the secret can create a sensation of release.” – Gail Saltz
30. “The exposure of a long-held secret can provide a quick, intense catharsis, a dip in an icy pool after living in a stuffy, overheated room for far too long. The cycle of needing to conceal but wanting to reveal, of wanting to reveal but needing to conceal, has finally been broken.” – Gail Saltz
Related: Soul Alignment: How to Reconnect With Your Essential Self & Find Your Purpose?
References
- Portions of this article were adapted from the book Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie, © 2006 by Gail Saltz. All rights reserved.
