Were you ever told to “stop crying”, “get over it”, or that your emotions were too much? Did you grow up in an environment where emotions were ignored, dismissed, or even punished? If so, you might have never been taught how to regulate your emotions—leaving you feeling overwhelmed, reactive, or disconnected from your own feelings.
Emotional regulation is the ability to understand, manage, and respond to emotions in a healthy way. But if no one taught you this growing up, you may now struggle with:
- Bottling up emotions until they explode
- Overreacting or shutting down under stress
- Feeling guilty or ashamed for having emotions
- Struggling to identify or express what you feel
The good news? Emotional regulation is a skill that can be learned and strengthened—at any age. If you were never taught how to manage your emotions, this guide will help you heal, develop emotional balance, and build a healthier relationship with your feelings.
Signs You Struggle with Emotional Regulation
1. You suppress emotions instead of expressing them.
You tell yourself “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “It’s not a big deal.”
You avoid emotions until they become overwhelming.
2. You feel emotionally “numb” or disconnected.
You struggle to identify what you’re feeling.
Instead of processing emotions, you distract yourself (e.g., overworking, binge-watching, overeating).
3. You have extreme emotional reactions.
Small stressors trigger intense anger, sadness, or anxiety.
You feel like your emotions are controlling you.
Related: How To Feel Your Feelings? Top 9 Difficult Emotions To Cope With In Healthy Ways
4. You struggle with conflict because emotions feel unsafe.
You either shut down or lash out in arguments.
You avoid confrontation to prevent emotional overwhelm.
5. You feel guilty or ashamed for feeling “too much.”
You were told as a child that emotions were bad, weak, or unnecessary.
Now, you feel like you’re “wrong” for being emotional.
6. You don’t know how to comfort yourself in distress.
When you feel anxious, sad, or angry, you don’t know what to do.
You feel stuck in emotional suffering without a way to self-soothe.
If this sounds familiar, don’t worry—you are not broken. You simply weren’t taught these skills, but you can learn them now. Let’s break it down step by step.
Related: How to Identify Your Emotions?
How to Heal & Build Emotional Regulation Skills?
1. Identify & Name Your Emotions
Many people who struggle with emotional regulation don’t actually know what they’re feeling.
The first step is to recognize and name your emotions instead of pushing them away.
Try this:
When you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask:
“What am I feeling right now?”
Use an emotion wheel (Google it!) to find the exact word for your feeling.
Why this helps: Naming emotions reduces their intensity and helps your brain process them.
2. Stop Suppressing—Start Validating Your Feelings
You might have been taught to hide, deny, or ignore emotions—but feelings don’t disappear.
Suppressed emotions build up and come out in explosive reactions, anxiety, or even physical illness.
Try this:
Instead of telling yourself “I shouldn’t feel this way,” practice saying:
“It’s okay to feel this. My emotions are valid.”
Remind yourself: Feelings are not good or bad—they are just information.
Why this helps: When you validate emotions instead of fighting them, they become easier to manage.
Related: Top 15 Effective Emotion Regulation Activities for Adults
3. Learn to Self-Soothe in Healthy Ways
If you were never taught emotional regulation, you may not know how to comfort yourself when you’re upset.
Self-soothing helps you calm your nervous system so you don’t feel emotionally overwhelmed.
Try this: Experiment with different coping strategies to see what works for you:
Deep breathing (inhale 4 seconds, hold 4, exhale 6)
Holding something cold (ice cube, cold water on wrists)
Gentle movement (walking, stretching, rocking)
Grounding: Name 5 things you see, 4 you touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste
Hugging yourself or placing your hand over your heart
Why this helps: Self-soothing techniques calm your brain and body, preventing emotional overload.
4. Process Emotions Instead of Avoiding Them
Emotions need to be felt and processed—not buried.
If you push them away, they will show up as stress, anxiety, or resentment.
Try this:
Journaling: Write down what you’re feeling without judgment.
Talking: Share with a trusted friend, therapist, or even speak out loud to yourself.
Movement: Exercise, dance, or stretch to release stored emotions.
Why this helps: Processing emotions prevents them from building up into emotional explosions or shutdowns.
Related: 2-Minute Technique to Help You Manage Feelings Of Overwhelm
5. Create a Pause Between Emotion & Reaction
If you react impulsively when emotions arise, practice pausing before responding.
This prevents regretful actions like angry outbursts, shutting down, or saying something hurtful.
Try this:
When a strong emotion arises, pause for 5-10 seconds before reacting.
Ask yourself: “What is this emotion telling me? What do I actually need right now?”
Why this helps: Creating space between feeling and reacting gives you more control over your emotions.
6. Reparent Yourself by Giving Yourself What You Didn’t Receive
If you weren’t taught how to handle emotions as a child, you can reparent yourself now.
This means treating yourself with the kindness, patience, and validation you deserved.
Try this:
When you feel emotional distress, imagine comforting your younger self.
Speak to yourself as you would a child who needs love and understanding.
Why this helps: Self-compassion rewires your brain to feel safer with emotions instead of fearing them.
Related: Affective Responsibility: Examples and Ways to Cultivate It
Final Thoughts: You Can Learn Emotional Regulation
If you were never taught how to handle emotions, it’s not your fault. But now, you have the power to heal, grow, and learn.
Start small. Practice naming emotions, self-soothing, and allowing yourself to feel without guilt. Over time, you will build the emotional strength and peace you deserve.
