This post contains “Is my relationship worth saving quiz” along with helpful tips to save your relationship from a breakup.
Is My Relationship Worth Saving Quiz
#1. Is your partner willing to put in the work?
#2. Do you both understand that we're all just human and not perfect?
#3. Do you still care?
#4. Can you be vulnerable with them and feel safe?
#5. Do you share the same core values?
#6. Are you still best friends?
#7. Do you enjoy spending time together?
Results
The higher the score, the more the relationship is worth saving.
Related: Codependent Relationship Quiz (+FREE Codependency Worksheets)
Why Does Most Couples Therapy fail?
Traditional couples therapy would suggest learning how to communicate better.
When couples find themselves in a conflict, they usually become so focused on proving that they’re right and their partner is wrong and on how hurt they feel.
This usually shuts down the lines of communication between them. And this is why, improving communication between the couple seems like the perfect approach to solve conflicts, find compromise solutions, and regain their couple’s composure.
Improving your communication with your partner is usually done through active listening. The therapist would ask the partner to state their complaints as “I” statements that focus on their feelings, rather than hurting the other person by accusing them or criticizing them.
So rather than saying “You’re so selfish always leaving me alone,” they would say “I feel so lonely while you’re working late.”
Then the other partner is asked to paraphrase both the content and the feelings of his partner to show that he’s actively listening to her.
He’s also asked to validate her feelings to show that he respects and empathizes with her. He might say “It must be hard for you to be by yourself when I’m working late”.
By making the couple see their difference from each other’s perspective, solving conflicts should take place without anger.
However, while there are circumstances where active listening can come in handy, researchers have found that, in the long run, typical couples were still distressed, and some of them relapsed within a short amount of time. In fact, the partner knows that the person being trashed behind the “I” statements, is him.
And it’s unlikely for someone to be magnanimous in the face of such criticism. So even if active listening can make your fights less damaging and less frequent, it alone cannot save your relationship.
In other words, getting couples to argue more nicely might reduce their stress level while they argue, but it isn’t enough to bring life back into their relationship.
It takes hard work to maintain a healthy, nurturing relationship. But once you understand what makes a relationship work, saving or safeguarding your own relationship will become more manageable.
Related: How To Save Your Marriage When You Feel Hopeless? 5 Steps To Solve Conflict & Rekindle Your Marriage
What Makes Relationship Work?
Studies show that happy relationships are never perfect unions.
Many couples had significant differences in interests, values… and conflicts between them weren’t infrequent. However, they are very satisfied with each other.
While no two relationships are the same, happy relationships seem to follow seven principles even when they’re not aware of them.
At the same time, unhappy relationships came short in at least one of these seven principles and oftentimes in many of them.
By identifying which of these components are weak spots in your relationship, you’ll be able to devote more time and energy toward mastering these principles and save your relationship.
Related: Top 10 Emotional Needs Of A Woman & A Man In A Relationship (+FREE Relationship Worksheets)
Friendship In Relationship
Happy relationships are based on a deep friendship.
This means happy couples mutually respect each other and enjoy each other’s company.
They tend to know each other intimately including each other’s likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, values… they have a growing fondness for each other that they express in little ways day in and day out.
Even when they’re busy, they find ways to stay connected including talking frequently on the phone and checking in to see how their important meeting went, and so on.
Through these small ways, couples maintain a happier relationship than those who go on romantic vacations and give each other lavish anniversary gifts but have fallen out of touch in their daily lives.
When couples keep their relationship strong, they’re able to sail smoothly through troubles.
Their positive thoughts about each other and their relationship can replace any negative feelings they might experience.
They assume positive things about each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Through the seven principles presented below, you can work on strengthening your friendship with your partner.
Strengthening friendship doesn’t prevent couples from arguing. Instead, it gives them a powerful tool that prevents conflicts from getting out of hand.
In fact, a strong friendship between the couple usually guarantees the success of the “repair attempt”.
This refers to any statement or action that prevents negativity from escalating while arguing. A repair statement such as “Hey, I’m sorry” can be enough to stop negativity from getting out of control.
This might sound simplistic, but it’s not. Strengthening your friendship isn’t as simple as just being “nice”. And even if you feel that your friendship is already solid, you might be surprised to find there is room for improvement.
Related: Best 50 Ways To Stay In Love Forever With Your Partner
5 Tips On How To Save Your Relationship From A Breakup
#1. Enhance Your Love Maps
Many couples are guilty of the habit of inattention to the details of their partner’s life. One or both partners may only have the vaguest idea about the other’s likes, dislikes, joys, fears…
One partner might not remember the names of his partner’s friends or coworkers and so on. In contrast, emotionally happy couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.
They remember the major events in each other’s lives, and they constantly update their information when it comes to the facts and feelings of their partner’s world changes.
They create a love map in their mind through which they get to know their partner on an intimate level.
This knowledge, not only strengthens their love and friendship but also gives them the fortitude to cope better with stressful events and conflicts.
One of the major causes of conflicts and lead to breakup is the birth of the first baby. Because of the importance of such an event especially for women, sudden changes might occur.
His partner that used to be ambitious and adventurous, might decide to give up her job to stay at home with the baby. Her fundamental sense of meaning in life has changed. She’s more willing to undergo great sacrifices for her baby’s sake.
Without keeping up with what his partner is thinking and feeling, he might become confused with the change in his partner. He won’t be able to give the support his partner needs and conflicts arise.
Any other major change like a job shift or a move or illness or even the passage of time alone can have the same effect. The key to staying connected, as life changes around you, is to understand and know more about each other. To help you deepen your understanding of each other, make sure you cover some of the following areas:
- The stresses your partner is currently facing.
- Some of your partner’s life dreams.
- Your partner’s religious beliefs and ideas.
- The names of some of the people that are irritating your partner lately and the relatives your partner likes the least.
- Your partner’s favorite music and movies.
- The most special times in your partner’s life.
- …
Knowing your partner’s everyday life, hopes, and fears and keeping up to date with these details will give you a fairly detailed love map that will allow you to handle any problem that crops up in your relationship.
Related: Best 9 Tips On How To Receive More In Life And Relationships?
#2. Nurture Your Fondness And Admiration
Happy couples can find themselves distracted at times by their partner’s personality flaws.
However, when a sense of fondness and admiration is cultivated in the couple, they would still feel that the person they’re in a relationship with is worthy of respect and honor.
The best way to know whether a couple admires each other still, is usually how they view their past. It’s hard to praise each other when your relationship is troubles.
But by focusing of your past, you usually can revive some positive feelings.
However, when negativity has overtaken the relationship, any positive memories might be distorted.
Fondness and admiration can be fragile.
This is why it’s important to become aware of how crucial they are to your friendship, and constantly remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities.
Fondness and admiration will help you maintain a sense of respect for your partner that in order will prevent negativity from escalating when they disagree.
To revive or enhance fondness and admiration in your relationship try discussing with your partner the following topics:
Your Relationship History:
- Discuss how the two of you met. What was your first impression of each other? What was it that made your partner stand out?
- What were some of the highlights of your dating stage?
- Of all people in the world, what led you to decide that you wanted to marry that person?
- What did you like most about your wedding and your honeymoon?
- What moments in your relationship stand out as the hardest? Why do you think you stayed together?
Your Relationship Philosophy:
- Why do you think some relationships last while others don’t?
- Determine together who among the couples you know have a happy relationship and who have an unhappy relationship. What is different about these two relationships?
Discussing these topics and answering these questions, from time to time, often remind couples of the fondness and admiration that inspired their decision to get in a relationship in the first place.
Another way to revive your admiration for your partner would be to build the habit of thinking positively about him.
By becoming more mindful of his characteristics that appeal to you most and meditating on them, or simply keeping a journal where you write down every day three things you appreciate about your partner.
Related: How To Repair A Marriage After Infidelity? Best 8-Step Guide to Build Trust Again
#3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead Of Away
Many people think that the secret to life-long romance is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation, but real-life romance is rather fueled by little ways to stay connected.
When your partner is having a bad day at work, and you take a minute of your time to text him, words of encouragement, or when your partner has had a bad dream and you say “I’m in a hurry, but tell me about it so we can talk more about in the evening” instead of “I don’t have time for this”.
In such instances, the couple is making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away.
When partners turn toward each other rather than away, they maintain a positive sense of each other and their relationship, even when they’re faced with major life stress or conflicts.
1. Become aware of how crucial your small interactions are.
The first step in turning toward each other more is to become aware of how important these everyday interactions are for your relationship stability and sense of romance.
Not taking these mundane moments for granted can make an enormous difference in your relationship.
Related: Top 25 Relationship Journal Prompts (+FREE Worksheets PDF)
2. Start doing more things together.
Choose the three most things you wish your partner would do with you, and ask him to do it.
Below are some mundane activities you can start doing together:
- Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went.
- Make a shopping list and go shop for groceries.
- Cook dinner together or bake.
- Exercise together.
- Call each other morning during the day.
- Do yard work or car washing together.
- Attend sporting events.
- Work at home together.
- Drive to or from work together.
- …
3. Calming-down conversations.
Although any everyday activity listed above can draw you closer to your partner, the first activity “Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went,” is the most effective one.
This conversation can help you manage the stress that is not caused by your relationship.
In fact, couples therapy shows that couples who can help each other cope with stress from other areas of their lives, keep their relationships strong, while other who are overrun by this stress see their relationships relapse.
However, in order to have the desired effect, it’s important for both to listen to each other with empathy, without judgment, and without trying to offer unsolicited advice. It’s also crucial to choose the right time when you both want to talk.
Remember that this is not the time to discuss conflicts between you. It’s an opportunity to support each other emotionally regarding other areas in your lives.
While turning toward each other is beneficial for the stability of your relationship, doing the opposite can be hurtful.
People might get distracted, or simply start taking each other for granted. But sometimes, there are deeper reasons why couples turn away from each other.
It can be a sign of hostility over some conflict, or simply it can be because of a disparity between their respective needs for intimacy and independence. If you feel like your partner is turning away from you in little ways, or his concept of closeness is suffocating you, the best things you can do, is to talk it out.
Doing this will help you understand each others’ needs and learn how to better fulfill those needs.
#4. Let Your Partner Influence You
Men who are willing to share power with their partner, are less likely to break up than men who resist their partner’s influence.
And while, it’s also important for women to share their power with their partners, in reality, the vast majority of wives already do that.
They let their partner influence their decision making by taking into consideration their opinions and feelings.
However, men struggle to return the favor.
Letting your partner influence you doesn’t imply that men should give up their personal power and let their wives rule their lives. It simply means not to resist power sharing and decision making with women.
The happiest relationships, in the long run, were those where couples searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way whenever a disagreement takes place.
Related: Is It ROCD Or Am I Not In Love? Top 4 Powerful Ways to Overcome Relationship Anxiety And ROCD
If you have some difficulty accepting influence from your partner, try doing the following:
1. Understand what it means to accept influence.
This like we mentioned above, doesn’t mean to give up your personal power and let your partner rule your life. It simply means taking into account your partner’s needs, feelings, and values before making decisions.
And when you disagree, try to compromise and look for a common ground that will leave you both satisfied.
2. Acknowledge the problem.
Start taking responsibility for the parts of your couple’s troubles that are caused by your struggle with sharing power.
3. Ask for help.
Ask your partner to gently point out the moments when you are being defensive or disrespectful.
This will help you gradually adopt the habit of sharing power.
Related: Top 10 Emotional Needs Of A Woman & A Man In A Relationship
#5. Create Shared Meaning
Relationship isn’t just about sharing a house, raising kids, and making love.
It’s also about creating an inner life together; a culture rich with customs (like Saturday dinner out), rituals (like a champagne toast after the birth of each baby), and myths the couple tell themselves that explain what it means to be a part of the family they have become.
This doesn’t mean that the couple sees eye to eye on every aspect of their life, but they find a way of honoring each other’s basic needs and core values.
The culture they created together incorporates both of their dreams and is flexible enough to change as the couple grows and develops.
When the couple has this sense of shared meaning, conflicts become much less intense and less susceptible to lead to gridlocked problems.
You can strengthen your shared sense of meaning by building in family rituals of connection such as:
- A weekly date for the two of you.
- Celebrating achievements whether they were minor or major. This can create a culture of pride and praise in your relationship.
- Rituals of personal care to help each other when feeling exhausted and stressed out.
- Community rituals for caring for others, or opening your home to the people you care about, and keeping in touch with friends and family.
- Rituals surrounding lovemaking and feel emotionally safe in talking about what is good and what needs improvement.
- Planning birthdays and special events like holidays, anniversaries, and religious celebrations.
FREE Printable Relationship Worksheets (PDF)
Conclusion
Happy couples aren’t smarter or richer than others, they simply have built a strong friendship that prevents any negative thoughts and feelings from hindering how positive they feel about each other and about their relationship.
Related: What Is Emotional Intimacy? (And How To Increase Emotional Intimacy In A Relationship?)
References
- What a Groundbreaking Study Using 43 Data Sets Reveals About Relationship Satisfaction | Institute for Family Studies (ifstudies.org)
- Scientists find a few surprises in their study of love – Harvard Gazette
- Marriage and Couples – Research | The Gottman Institute
- What Makes Relationships Work, according to 1100 studies | Time
- A landmark study shows what makes a successful relationship – CNN
- Ten intimate relationship research findings every counselor should know – Counseling Today
- Frontiers | Communication, the Heart of a Relationship: Examining Capitalization, Accommodation, and Self-Construal on Relationship Satisfaction | Psychology (frontiersin.org)
