This post contains dating tips for women to help you avoid a low value man and find the right one.
No one wants to end up with low-value men who abuse us and treat us poorly.
The good news is that you can avoid these men and attract high-value men if you pay attention to warning signs.
Why Do We Ignore Red Flags?
We ignore red flags when we tolerate bad behavior and even excuse it.
Doing this tells the guy that it’s okay with you and he’ll continue to do it, while you’re hoping that your love will change him.
Why do we do it?
A number of reasons.
You may feel desperate for a partner, anyone. You just don’t want to be alone.
You may not believe that you have other options or deserve any better.
You may also believe strongly in the idea that love alone can change people.
Etc.
Related: Top 10 Emotional Boundaries In Dating You Should Set From The First Date
What Is a Low Value Man?
A low-value man is someone who hasn’t fully developed himself for success. This might mean someone who:
- Lacks purpose and direction
- Lacks emotional intelligence
- Lacks empathy and doesn’t know how to treat women well
- Has low self-esteem
- Focuses only on money and career
Related: Am I Ready To Be In A Relationship Quiz (+Best Dating Tips For Women)
How a Low Value Man Can Seduce You
A low-value man feels he has to play games and seduce you to reel you in.
He may hide his weak points by showing a false façade.
He may use flirtations and compliments, and show extreme interest at the very beginning in order to attract you.
He may make you believe that you have a lot in common by getting you to talk first.
He may lie about his addiction, about whether he’s exclusive with you, about his past, and about his true feelings for you, etc.
His extreme interest might be very appealing to you especially if you’re starving for love or have low self-esteem.
Related: Recovering From a Narcissistic Relationship: 21 Steps to Heal After a Narcissistic Relationship
What Qualifies As A Red Flag?
A red flag is anything that a partner does or says that makes you feel disrespected or uncomfortable about building a relationship with him.
You gut feeling should be a good indicator of a possible red flag for you. You may feel a twinge in your stomach as a reaction to something he says or does. You may also feel sad or scared as a reaction to the way he’s treating you.
What Are The Warning Signs?
The following are some warning signs or red flags that you can notice through a potential partner’s words and bad behavior.
Some of these red flags are obvious, but others are subtle and almost imperceptible.
1. Partial attention
He pays more attention to his cell phone, other women, etc. than to you on a date. This could mean he may cheat on you or he’s not into you and may just be seeking a hook-up.
This could also mean that he has Attention Deficit Disorder so consider if he’s being disrespectful or simply distracted.
2. Self-absorption
He either talks a lot about himself and his life or he isn’t talking much, in either cases, he isn’t showing much interest in you or asking you any questions.
You may even feel that you are only a tool in his life to fill a certain role.
Related: 13 Traits of a Narcissist — and How to Deal With a Narcissist?
3. Addiction
He may be drinking or smoking too much, or have any type of addiction.
Addictions are a sign that someone needs crutches to get through the day and might not be available for the relationship.
4. Low self-esteem and negativity
When someone is complaining all the time and isn’t getting help or doing any self-work, they can become very negative.
Eventually, you may begin to feel like his therapist and in general, you may feel gloomy and drained around him.
5. Incompatibility
His values and beliefs are too different from yours.
6. Showering you heavily with affection and words of love at the beginning
While this might feel good, it may be a warning sign that you are being used.
This may get you to form a quick attachment too soon and then feel anxious about abandonment and do everything to hold onto him, even when he’s using or abusing you.
Related: 25 Signs Your Partner is a Psychopath – and How to Heal From Psychopathic Abuse
7. He puts in little effort at the beginning
He may not want to drive to you or meet you halfway. You find yourself doing all the work, even paying for all dates.
8. His behavior is a bit suspicious
You may notice that he calls you only when he’s at work or doesn’t see you on weekends or takes you on dates far from home, where you won’t run into any of his friends, etc.
Most people would agree that these are warning signs but he may be good at coming up with excuses and explanations that you may ignore these red flags. He may also use defensiveness and anger to silence you and make you believe that you’re untrusting.
Related: Yellow Flags In A Relationship
Why Do We Stay With A Low-Value Man
The problem with ignoring red is not that we don’t see them, it’s that we see them and feel like we have no other alternative but to keep silent about them.
This is mainly due to our internal issues that keep us from walking away, including:
1. Lack of Self-Awareness
When we’re not connected to our feelings and needs and are not spending enough alone time to check in with ourselves and self-reflect, we may not notice when we’re treated poorly.
Lack of self-awareness is when you don’t know enough about yourself – your values, your needs, your desires, your dreams, your feelings, etc.
When you don’t think for yourself and take control of your life and your own needs, other people will direct and form your thinking and life for you. This can lead to abuse and allow others to cross your boundaries.
Start raising your self-awareness by using these journaling prompts For Self-Discovery & Emotional Awareness
2. Low Self-Esteem
Past negative experiences and people can cause us to believe that we’re defective and don’t deserve what’s good. This causes us to attract more negative experiences and people into our lives.
Here are 18 Ways to Build High Self-Esteem
3. Lack of Resources (e.g., money, housing, network)
Not having enough resources to support yourself may keep you stuck in dysfunctional relationships, at the mercy of the wrong partner.
If you want to avoid this situation, you need to learn how to be self-sufficient and have the support of friends and family. You need to earn enough money to support yourself and your children if you have ones.
4. Lack of knowledge or experience
Poor modeling and lack of support from parents and other adults in our life can put us at a disadvantage.
If you came from a broken or dysfunctional home (parents fighting, or one left, or a divorce, or abuse, etc.), you may not have learned what a good, healthy relationship looks like.
You may have even believed that what you saw going on was normal.
Unless you change your beliefs about relationships and become able to identify abuse and unhealthy patterns, you may find yourself attracting unhealthy partners and choosing the wrong people.
Who Is The High Value Man?
Think about the guys who had a crush on you or wanted you or were your best friends, but you didn’t consider going forward with because they were, “plain,” or, “boring,” or, “too nice,” and instead you were running after, “the bad boy,” “the challenging one,” “the hot one.”
Over time, as you get your fill of jerks and cheaters, these plain, boring, and nice men may begin to look better and better to you. These are the High-Value Men.
How to Attract The Right Man?
#1. Put the Odds in Your Favor
We’ve come to believe that love is the product of fate, that “when the time is right” it will just “happen”. This belief is holding you back from taking action.
If you want to meet the one sooner, you’re going to have to put the odds in your favor. This means that you’re going to have to meet more men every week.
Meeting here refers to a genuine social interaction where you engage with a man in a conversation, and not simply collect your mail or order a coffee unless they’re new and you turn them into a social connection.
1. Waiting vs. Creating
Most people are waiting. They’re waiting for the right moment to approach someone, wait for someone to approach them first, wait to be invited, etc. By waiting they believe that they’re playing it safe, but more often than not, they end up with one of these two things: the wrong thing or nothing.
By taking your life into your own hands, you know you are doing everything in your power to move forward and improve, and that knowledge alone is what makes humans happy.
You always have the choice to either wait or create. To wait there’s only one way– just do nothing. But to create the opportunities are endless.
2. Reality Check
Your beliefs about guys and love can hold you back from taking action and meeting the one.
The following are some examples of these beliefs:
* There are no good guys out there (“All the good guys I meet are either gay or taken”).
* Guys want someone hotter and prettier than me.
* Guys don’t like women to approach them first.
* Guys only want a low-maintenance woman, not someone who’s going to challenge them.
Sadly these beliefs aren’t only false, but they’re becoming excuses for not taking your love life into your hands.
Becoming aware of your limiting beliefs is the first step to changing them and replacing them with more affirming ones.
3. The Philosophy of the Funnel
The process of man-meeting can be visualized as a series of funnels. Into the first and largest funnel, you pour all the new men you meet. This funnel will act as a filter. Only the guys you feel attracted to will
pass through to the second funnel.
The second funnel then filters out the guys you don’t want to date. These guys would be the ones you felt attracted to at first, but you found out you didn’t have any immediate chemistry with them.
Then the guys you’re genuinely interested in and who are worth more than just one date will pass through the third funnel.
Finally, the result of the fourth and last filtering will be the guy with whom you want a relationship.
The process is clear and simple, but keep in mind that the first funnel is where you are least selective. It’s about getting out there and meeting new people. The more guys you pour into the first funnel, the more you put odds into your favor.
4. Rituals
“Ordinary things done consistently produce extraordinary results.” – Keith Cunningham
A ritual is an “action that is repeated continuously in the same way.”
Following rituals create a positive association, which in turn leads to a positive outcome. Creating rituals that are designed to help you meet more men will put you on the right path to your man.
Converse with all service staff
Service staff are supposed to be nice to you, so it can be a good place to start.
Make it a habit to start a small talk with everyone who serves you – wait-staff, salespeople, the UPS man, etc. This can be a great practice, especially if you’re shy or introverted.
Make the conversation go one step further by getting their names and finding out one simple fact about them, or one interest you both share.
Ask about their day, compliment their eyes, smile, or outfit for no reason other than to make them feel good. If you notice an accent, ask where he’s from.
Other ways to meet people
* Talk to the person next to you in line
* Talk with one person every time you go to the gym
* Do a random act of kindness to at least one person every day
#2. Being a Woman of High Value
If you want to attract extraordinary people, you have to be extraordinary yourself. You have to be a woman of high value. Because in the same way you’re longing for a perfect man, he’s too is hoping to find a woman of high value.
What makes a woman high-value?
We all have our unique personalities, opinions, interests… but there are traits every high-value woman has. They are self-confidence, independence, integrity, and femininity.
1. Self-confidence
Confidence is the state of feeling certain about the truth of something, and high-value women are confident about their worth and what they deserve.
Self-confident women feel comfortable articulating their needs and walking away from a less-than-fulfilling relationship. They’re not arrogant or full themselves, but relaxed and comfortable in their own skin.
A self-confident woman also knows for a fact that any man’s life would be immeasurable improved for having her in it and that committing to her will be the best decision he will ever make in his life.
Moreover, a self-confident woman doesn’t compare herself with other women or look to others to tell her how she’s going to behave. She knows that there will always be someone who is richer, thinner, smarter, and prettier, but that doesn’t matter. She knows that she is worth more than all of these things.
In general, a confident and secure man loses interest in a woman if he senses insecurity. He wants a woman who already knows that she is good enough for him.
Related: Best 25 Journal Prompts For Self Love And Confidence Building
2. Independence
The independent woman has a life that she adores and is engaged in fulfilling activities. She has a job that she loves, but she also fills her spare time with activities that appeal to her. Her life is her own and she doesn’t rely on a man to be entertained.
In other words, she’s not looking for a man to fill the void, and her full life is helping her choose her man wisely.
A guy who meets such an independent woman wants to be part of her fabulous life, and at the same time, he isn’t afraid that she will be too needy.
When you’re an independent woman, your message is: I am a complete person without you, but I want you to be a part of my life because you are worth it.
The key here is to reach a balance of maintaining your independence and helping him bring something into your life.
3. Integrity
Having integrity is about knowing your own values and standards and being completely comfortable with them. It’s about not compromising what you believe in simply to seek approval from others or try to fit in.
This is as true for larger issues as it is for smaller ones. A woman of integrity is loyal to her friends, isn’t overly critical of others, refrains from harmful gossip, and is considerate about where to use her phone.
A woman of integrity is sending a message to the man that he can expect her to hold steady to what she believes in. She also sends a message that she isn’t going to put up with a guy who lacks integrity. This helps him to know what you expect of him and he will feel challenged to not disappoint you.
4. Femininity
Femininity and gender equality have become so confused that women started to believe that you can’t be strong and independent while also remaining feminine.
But the truth is, any man worthy of your attention is looking for both strength and femininity. In fact your preternatural ability to be a woman can be your biggest strength.
Today, women are making up a large percentage of the workforce than ever before. Women are becoming financially independent and no longer need men to provide and protect.
However, regardless of who’s providing, men are hardwired to respond to femininity in women. They need women to help them feel masculine. They need to feel as if he is providing something a woman couldn’t live without. It doesn’t have to be in a literal sense, but it has to satisfy his instinct to provide and protect.
Nothing makes men feel useless like hearing a woman say “Men! Who needs them?”
The high-value woman is confident and independent, but she also is happy to admit that there are certain things only her guy can provide.
When he comes back home she hugs him tight and tells him how much she missed him. When he offers her his jacket, she takes it. When he offers to help, she accepts, even if she can do without. She lets him come to her rescue. It appeals to the provider in him and he knows that he matters.
Related: Balancing Masculine And Feminine Energy (+ Dominant Energy Test)
#3. Get a Social Life That Serves Your Love Life
You already know that you are a woman of high value and that you have to meet more men so you can filter out and choose the right guy. Now it’s time to meet them and get a social life that is going to serve your love life.
1. Make the Time
We all have a finite amount of time, but oftentimes we make ourselves busy to excuse and distract from addressing issues in our lives that can cause us pain like seeking a relationship.
None of us really work twenty-four hours a day, and when your social life, including your love life, is non-existent, the lack of connection and love will poison the success you’re getting in other areas of your life.
And the truth is, if we ever find ourselves in a fulfilling relationship with a great person, we would make time to spend so much time with them because we know that this person makes us happy.
We don’t consider meeting new people a priority, yet we prioritize relationships once we’re in them.
So doesn’t it make sense to spend more time doing things that will lead you to find the man of your dreams?
2. Where to Find Men?
Now that you’re committed to making time, the question becomes, where to meet new guys?
The secret is in having a social life. This isn’t about having friends. You probably already have great friends.
This is about having a social life that serves your love life. Everyone you meet has the potential to introduce you to “the one”.
There is no perfect place to find men. They’re everywhere. Not just at that party, or at the club you go to with your friends once a week.
Your Mr. Right is doing all of the things you do. He goes wherever you go. He is shopping in the supermarket, on the train, enjoying his coffee in the coffee shop, in line at the movies, at the gym, etc.
And even though there is no perfect place, some places are better than others. You probably won’t meet Mr. Right while getting your hair or nails done, or in the dance class, you’re attending.
You can spend more time meeting new men without allocating any more time in your schedule by transforming a formerly solitary activity into one that will make it easier for you to meet new guys. So if you work out at the gym, try signing up for a class that is heavily male-oriented, like kickboxing or martial arts, or choose places men frequent when you go out with your friends.
3. Quick Ways to Build a Social Network
To widen your social circle and meet more people, try the following:
Say Yes
People are always inviting us to parties, barbecues, dinners, and every sort of event, but, oftentimes, we find ourselves saying no because we’re too busy, or we don’t have the energy, or we feel intimidated that we’re going to go alone, etc.
Start saying yes. It will open up your world and give you an opportunity to practice your social skills.
Get Good at Working a Room
Building your social circle isn’t just about going out more often, it’s about making your social time, quality social time. If you’re going to make yourself presentable and get yourself to the function, don’t waste the evening standing against a wall and staring at your phone.
Next time you enter a room, don’t try to quickly blend in to your surroundings. Take your time and take the place all in. Make some eye contact with people in the room. Smile at them and allow everyone in the room to notice you.
Start with small interactions with lots of people. Keep it simple like asking “How are you doing tonight?” or, “How did you meet Nicole?” or, “What’s the best cocktail on the menu here?”
Soon the party will feel less intimidating. You’ll be able to relax and feel at home.
Treat Everyone the Same
Being sociable is a learned behavior and the more you use it, the more skills you learn.
Some people approach being sociable as if it is a precious resource that will run out if they don’t save it for the right person. They imagine that when they meet that amazing guy, they’ll bring out their full charm.
Building a social network isn’t just about finding “the one”. It’s something that should always come from a genuine place. When you get sociable with everyone, it’s easier to meet “the one”. And when you meet him, it helps to be socially “in shape”.
#4. Have the Mindset of the Chooser
One of the misconceptions about men and what they think is this “If he really liked me, he would ask me out.”
The truth is, whether the guy likes you has nothing to do with striking up a conversation. In fact, the more attracted he is to you, the less likely he is to approach you. It’s easier for him to talk to a woman he doesn’t like than to a girl likes.
What Freaks Guys Out About Approaching a Woman?
Usually, guys worry about two things when attempting to approach a girl they really like. He either worries about looking bad in front of his friends or he is terrified of what you and your friends are going to say.
In fact, the possibility of being rejected can be more frightening than a girl can ever imagine. It will have a huge blow to his ego. But if you see him talking to another woman, chances are it’s because he doesn’t like her and feels he has absolutely nothing to lose.
Men and women aren’t much different. You probably feel just as nervous around a man you’re attracted to, but find it much easier to talk and even flirt with a guy you’re not interested in.
The Conundrum
At the same time, men like to feel as if they’ve done something special to earn your attention. The more you chase a guy, the less interested he becomes.
No matter how far we’ve come socially, there’s still a prevailing idea that the man’s role is to be the pursuer and women’s is to either accept or reject him.
So if guys won’t make the first move, and high-value women aren’t going to chase after them, how does anyone ever meet anyone?
No woman wants to look desperate or feel like she has to do all the work. But there are two ways to make the first move without looking as if you’re chasing him.
1. Eliminate Your Anxiety About Making the First Move
Change Your Intent
Our intentions are responsible for making us feel nervous. We approach talking to someone we’re attracted to as though it’s our last chance in finding love.
This is why you need to change your intention if you want to feel more comfortable approaching attractive men. Instead of approaching a guy with the intention that he might be Mr. Right, do it with the thought that will never see him again.
So if the one encounter doesn’t work out, you move on and approach someone new. The opportunities are limitless.
Place less Value on the Outcome
When we’re placing too much value on the opinion of the person we’re approaching, we feel nervous.
It’s imperative to understand that as human beings we’re amazingly resilient in the face of rejection. In order to procreate, we keep at it until we’re found a mate. Otherwise, we would have died ages ago if we gave up after one rejection.
At the same time, it’s always better to deal with rejection than to suffer the pain of regret that we never ventured out and got what we wanted.
Keep in mind that you’ll never be everyone’s cup of tea. Sometimes the guy you’re interested in will give you the cold shoulder. For all you know he might be already in a relationship, or interested in someone else. What matters is that you’ve tried.
Related: Dating With Intention: What Does It Mean & How To Do It?
2. The White Handkerchief Approach
In Victorian society, what made a woman seem desirable was the degree to which she was pursued. So it was generally forbidden for her to overtly pursue a man.
Still, women found a way to approach a man they found desirable. If she ever spotted a man who seemed interesting to her, she would drop her handkerchief as she passed by. The man would pick it up and run after the lady to return the item to her and this provided him with the chance to start a conversation with her.
To the men, it would feel as if he was the one who made the first move and approached her, but in reality, it was the woman who chose and made the first move in a subtle but elegant way.
Women, today, don’t carry white handkerchiefs, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t give other excuses for a man to approach her.
The look
Men are not good at picking up on body language. Studies tell us that the average woman is way more capable of interpreting nonverbal cues than the average man is. So what might seem to you a blatant signal, a guy might interpret as you looking for someone.
A look is more than looking in the guy’s general direction or simply flashing him a split-second look. To get a guy’s attention, you’ll need to give him two looks.
One half-second look, a brief flash of eye contact enough for him to notice you, then turn back to your friends or your phone or whatever you’re doing.
The second look will need to offer a bit of characters like a slight smile or a cheeky look over the shoulder. A smile is proved to make a man 70 percent more likely to approach a woman than eye contact alone according to a study conducted at the University of Wisconsin.
We don’t smile as much as we believe we do. We go through our days without cracking the slightest smile, even to our loved ones.
You have to get ready to meet a guy. Practice eye contact while smiling whenever you’re out and about. It’s a skill that you get to master without having to worry about rejection. You won’t see the people again anyway.
Get closer
When his fear and self-doubt take more than the looks you sent, you’re going to have to move and get closer.
When you remove the need for him to have to walk across the room to you, you make it easier for him to casually turn and start a conversation. He’ll feel safe that his humiliation won’t be public if goes wrong.
If you’re in a grocery store, wander over and browse in the same section. Use whatever excuses you can find to get close enough to him.
Start talking
This doesn’t mean that you’ll end up doing all the work – not if you do it the right way. Your aim here is to give him a chance to do the work of trying to be worthy of the opportunity you gave him.
Besides, knowing that you are taking some control will help you to feel more confident.
Be easy (in the first ten seconds)
A woman should never be easy. But, in the first ten seconds of a conversation, be easy.
It takes a lot for a guy to approach a woman he’s interested in. By being easy in the first ten seconds of the conversation, you’ll make it much easier for him to approach you.
Smile and be as approachable as possible, just long enough for you to decide if he’s good enough for you to keep the conversation going.
The power of small favor
The simple line “I could really use your help with something …” is the easiest way to draw a guy into a conversation. It especially appeals to the part of his ego that wants to feel like a man, no matter how ridiculously simple the help might seem.
For example, you could ask him to hold your drink while you fetch your phone from your purse. It’s simple but it gives the guy the excuse to start a conversation with you if he’s interested. If he’s not, he’ll simply say, “You’re welcome,” and move on. Either way, you lose nothing.
#5. Moving From Great Conversation to First Date
This is how to move from a great chat to a date.
1. Connection Is the Key
Sexual tension is what will make him desire you physically, but the connection is what makes him emotionally drawn to you. And connection starts with a good conversation.
In the first conversation, it doesn’t matter what the opening line is, as long as it gets things going. But to create a connection, you need to go a level deeper.
It comes down to two things: creating intrigue and interest and creating an emotional connection.
Seek values, not facts
If you really want to know what kind of person someone is, whether he’s ambitious, kind, or curious, you’ll need to seek more than facts.
For example, if he mentions that he hates his job, you have a chance to go deeper. You can ask then, “If money wasn’t an issue, what would you be doing tomorrow?” Or, “Would you rather earn a hundred thousand dollars a year doing a job you hate, or forty thousand a year doing a job you love?”
You’re giving him a chance to open up about his passions and what he finds meaning in life. You’re going to find more about his values and whether or not you share any of them.
Emotion-based conversation creates connection more than logical conversations. It doesn’t just help you learn more about the person the man is, it also allows him to experience a rush of positive feelings that he’ll then associate with talking to you.
2. Get the Date
You can go on a traditional dinner-and-a-movie date. But if you feel uncomfortable having to sit across from each other for the first time, eating without spilling anything or letting the conversation get stuck, then maybe you need to opt for a more flexible date.
Think of it as a meet-up. It doesn’t have to last an entire evening. A meet-up can be as short as thirty minutes.
It could be a Sunday brunch, getting ice cream after work, having breakfast before work, going to some event, etc.
Thinking of a date as a meet-up will remove the pressure of arranging it and getting ready, and will help you see more of each other.
FAQ
How Do You Know You’ve Chosen Then Right Partner?
Statistically, couples fare better when they are in the following areas:
- Educational levels
- Cultural background
- Religious background
- Future goals
- Values and ethics
When it concerns personality difference, successful couple learns to appreciate each other’s differences.
Do Opposites Attract?
Yes, but often, personality differences that were perceived as attractive in the beginning of a relationship can become unattractive over time.
For example, “calm under pressure” may become “cold”; “enthusiastic and bubbly” may become “immature”; “ambitious” may become “a workaholic”; “cute sentimentality” may become “over-emotionality” ; and so on.
However, these same unattractive traits are usually the ones that attracted us to this person.
Why would that be the case? Usually these traits are ones that we ourselves possess but won’t own up to.
For example, a very unemotional person may be attracted to a very emotional person and vice versa. The unemotional person needs emotion in his life but doesn’t like expressing it. So he looks for someone who will express it for him.
FREE Printable Relationship Worksheets (PDF)
References
- Portions of this article were adapted from the book Get the Guy, © 2013 by Matthew Hussey. All rights reserved.
- Portions of this article were Attract a High-Quality Man: 4 essential tools that help you walk away from losers and into the arms of a great man!, © 2020 by Barbara J. Barton. All rights reserved.
