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How to Love Someone with BPD? Top 9 Suggestions

How to Love Someone with BPD

In this post you’re going to learn all about how to love someone with BPD.

What Is BPD?

BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder, is a mental health condition characterized by persistent patterns of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and emotions.

It falls under the diagnostic criteria outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5), which is widely used by psychologists and psychiatrists for the classification and diagnosis of mental disorders.

According to the DSM-5, to be diagnosed with BPD, an individual must meet the following criteria:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as intense fears of rejection or being alone.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance, manifested by an unstable self-image, chronic feelings of emptiness, and significant shifts in self-identity.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that could potentially be self-damaging (e.g., excessive spending, risky sexual behavior, substance abuse).
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-harm, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, often resulting in frequent displays of temper or physical fights.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms.

It is important to note that a qualified mental health professional should conduct a comprehensive evaluation to diagnose BPD.

The DSM-5 criteria are essential guidelines, but a thorough understanding of an individual’s background, history, and symptoms is necessary for an accurate diagnosis.

Related: Top 7 Skills For Coping With BPD [+ BPD FREE Resources]

Common Challenges Faced In BPD Relationships

Challenges faced in relationships involving individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be numerous and complex.

It’s crucial to understand these challenges in order to provide effective support and foster healthier dynamics.

Here are some common challenges that may arise in BPD relationships:

1. Intense Emotions

Individuals with BPD often experience intense and rapidly shifting emotions.

They may feel overwhelmed by these emotions, leading to impulsive actions, mood swings, and difficulty regulating their feelings.

This emotional volatility can create an unpredictable environment in relationships, making it challenging for both partners to navigate.

2. Fear of Abandonment

A common symptom of BPD is a deep-seated fear of abandonment.

Even perceived threats of separation or rejection can trigger intense anxiety and distress, leading individuals with BPD to engage in behaviors aimed at preventing abandonment.

This fear can result in clinginess, possessiveness, and efforts to maintain close proximity with their partner, which can strain the relationship.

Related: Borderline Personality Disorder Support Group

3. Idealization and Devaluation

Another characteristic of BPD is a tendency to idealize and devalue others, commonly referred to as splitting.

Partners of individuals with BPD may be initially idealized and put on a pedestal, but as the relationship progresses, they may be subjected to sudden devaluation and criticism.

This fluctuation between extreme views can be confusing and emotionally taxing for both partners.

4. Impulsivity and Risky Behaviors

People with BPD may engage in impulsive behaviors without considering the potential consequences.

These behaviors can include self-harm, substance abuse, reckless spending, or engaging in risky sexual encounters.

Such behaviors can not only impact the individual’s well-being but also strain the relationship, causing stress and concern for their partner.

Related: Saying No To Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

5. Difficulty with Emotional Regulation

Individuals with BPD often struggle with managing and regulating their emotions effectively.

They may experience heightened emotional reactions to everyday situations, resulting in outbursts of anger, sadness, or frustration.

This emotional dysregulation can make it difficult for their partner to understand and respond appropriately, leading to further conflict and tension.

6. Interpersonal Conflict

Due to difficulties with emotional regulation and intense emotions, individuals with BPD may experience frequent conflicts within their relationships.

They may have difficulty expressing their needs and setting boundaries, which can lead to misunderstandings and clashes with their partner.

These conflicts can become cyclical and escalate quickly, impacting the overall stability and satisfaction of the relationship.

Related: Best 20 Tips On Dating Someone With BPD Without Becoming A Caretaker

7. Trust Issues

Trust is a vital component of any healthy relationship.

However, individuals with BPD may struggle with trust due to past experiences of trauma or betrayal.

Their fear of being hurt or abandoned can make it challenging for them to fully trust their partner’s intentions, leading to suspicion, jealousy, and insecurity.

Rebuilding and maintaining trust can be a significant challenge in BPD relationships.

8. Codependency

BPD relationships can sometimes exhibit codependent dynamics.

The partner of someone with BPD may feel responsible for managing their emotions, soothing their fears, and preventing crises.

This codependency can be exhausting and harmful to both individuals involved, as it fosters an unhealthy reliance and enables maladaptive behaviors.

9. Communication Difficulties

Effective communication is essential for any successful relationship, but it can be particularly challenging in BPD relationships.

Due to their intense emotions and fear of abandonment, individuals with BPD may struggle to express themselves clearly and assert their needs.

They may also misinterpret their partner’s intentions, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.

Related: Emotional Permanence: Top 6 Ways to Cope (+FREE Resources)

10. Self-Identity Instability

Individuals with BPD often struggle with fluctuating self-identity.

They may have an unclear sense of who they are, leading to difficulties in establishing and maintaining a stable sense of self within the context of a relationship.

This instability can manifest as changes in interests, values, goals, or even personal appearance, creating confusion and instability within the relationship.

Common Misconceptions About BPD And Relationships

Misconception #1: People with BPD are unable to have stable and fulfilling relationships.

This misconception stems from a lack of understanding about BPD.

While it is true that individuals with BPD may experience challenges in forming and maintaining relationships, it does not mean they are incapable of having stable and fulfilling connections.

With the right therapy and support, individuals with BPD can develop healthier relationship patterns.

They can learn coping skills, emotional regulation techniques, and effective communication strategies that promote positive interactions with their partners.

Misconception #2: Individuals with BPD are manipulative and intentionally cause relationship problems.

While it is true that people with BPD may exhibit certain behaviors that can strain relationships, it is important not to attribute malicious intent or assume manipulation.

BPD often manifests as intense emotions, difficulty regulating emotions, and fear of abandonment.

These symptoms can lead to impulsive actions, mood swings, and intense reactions that impact relationships.

However, it is crucial to understand that these behaviors are not typically intentional but rather a consequence of the disorder and how it affects their emotional functioning.

Related: Top 10 BPD Books To Help You Cope With Borderline Personality Disorder

Misconception #3: Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD is inherently toxic and abusive.

Labeling all relationships involving someone with BPD as toxic and abusive is an unfair generalization.

While it is true that some individuals with BPD may struggle with anger, impulsivity, and emotional instability, it does not mean every relationship they engage in will be abusive.

By seeking appropriate treatment and therapy, individuals with BPD can learn to manage their symptoms effectively.

With improved emotional regulation and communication skills, they can develop healthy and nurturing relationships.

Misconception #4: Therapy is not effective for individuals with BPD.

On the contrary, therapy is one of the most effective treatments for individuals with BPD.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has been widely researched and proven to be effective in reducing self-destructive behaviors, improving emotional regulation skills, and enhancing interpersonal relationships for individuals with BPD.

Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment for individuals with BPD to explore their emotions, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and improve communication skills.

With the help of a skilled therapist, individuals with BPD can make significant progress in their personal growth and enhance their relationships.

It is crucial to dispel these misconceptions about Borderline Personality Disorder and relationships.

Understanding the complexities of BPD can help foster empathy, support, and effective treatment for individuals with the disorder.

With the right therapy and support systems in place, individuals with BPD can build and maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Related: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Resources (Information, APPS, Podcasts, TED Talks, Books)

How to Love Someone with BPD?

Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be challenging, but with understanding, patience, and the right strategies, it is possible to have a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

Here are some suggestions on how to navigate and support your loved one with BPD:

#1. Educate Yourself

Learn about BPD to gain insight into the condition, its symptoms, and its impact on relationships.

Understanding the challenges your loved one faces can help you respond empathetically and avoid misunderstandings.

#2. Practice Active Listening

Listen attentively and reflectively when your loved one expresses their thoughts and feelings.

Clarify any uncertainties to ensure you understand their perspective accurately.

This active listening approach demonstrates that you value their thoughts and helps prevent potential misunderstandings.

Related: How To Validate Someone’s Feelings Without Agreeing? (+Examples of Validating Statements)

#3. Validate Their Emotions

Individuals with BPD often experience intense emotions that can fluctuate rapidly.

Validating their feelings and acknowledging their experiences without judgment can go a long way in building trust and fostering emotional connection.

Use reflective statements to show understanding and empathy.

For example, “I can see that you’re feeling really hurt right now,” or “It sounds like you’re experiencing a lot of frustration.”

Recognize that individuals with BPD often have intense emotional reactions to situations that may seem less significant to others.

Validate their perception of events without necessarily agreeing with it.

Use statements that explicitly acknowledge their emotions and experiences. For instance, “It’s understandable that you would feel this way considering what you’ve been through.”

#4. Maintain Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential in any relationship, including those involving someone with BPD.

Clearly communicate your limits and expectations while still demonstrating love and support.

Express your boundaries in a calm, clear, and assertive manner. Use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings without blaming or attacking the individual.

For example, “I need some personal space right now” or “I’m not comfortable with being spoken to in that tone.”

Consistency and firmness, along with empathy, will help both of you maintain a healthy dynamic.

Keep in mind that individuals with BPD may struggle with emotional regulation and impulsivity.

It’s important to have realistic expectations regarding their ability to adhere to boundaries consistently.

Related: Top 10 Books About Setting Boundaries

#5. Encourage Therapy

Encourage your loved one to seek therapy or counseling from a mental health professional who specializes in BPD.

Individual therapy, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), can provide them with valuable skills to manage their emotions and cope with relationship challenges.

#6. Communicate Openly

Foster open and honest communication in your relationship.

Encourage your loved one to express themselves freely, and be receptive to their thoughts and concerns.

Clear and respectful communication helps build trust and strengthens your connection.

#7. Be Mindful of Your Reactions

Individuals with BPD can be highly sensitive to perceived rejection or criticism.

Be mindful of your tone and reactions during difficult conversations, and approach conflicts with empathy and understanding.

Validate their feelings while calmly expressing your own perspective.

Related: Dysregulated Nervous System: Top 9 Signs & How to Heal

#8. Encourage Self-Care

Promote self-care activities that can positively impact your loved one’s emotional well-being.

Encourage them to engage in activities they enjoy, prioritize relaxation and stress management techniques, and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Supporting their self-care efforts can contribute to their overall stability.

#9. Foster Stability and Routine

Stability and routine can be beneficial for individuals with BPD, providing a sense of security and predictability.

Work together to establish healthy routines and structure in your lives, which can help reduce anxiety and emotional dysregulation.

Related: Emotional Intimacy Test (+13 Tips On How To Increase Emotional Intimacy In A Relationship?)


Remember, loving someone with BPD requires patience, understanding, and self-care.

While you can provide support, it’s important to recognize that recovery and management of BPD symptoms ultimately depend on your loved one’s commitment to therapy and personal growth.

By combining your efforts, fostering open communication, and maintaining compassion, you can work towards building a strong and fulfilling relationship.


Are there any specific BPD triggers that I should be aware of?

Yes, being aware of specific triggers can be helpful in managing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) symptoms.

However, it’s important to remember that triggers can vary from person to person. Here are some common triggers reported by individuals with BPD:

1. Abandonment or perceived rejection: Real or perceived threats of abandonment or rejection can trigger intense emotions and fear of being alone.

2. Criticism or perceived criticism: Any form of criticism, whether real or perceived, can lead to feelings of anger, shame, or self-doubt.

3. Intense emotions: Strong emotions such as anger, sadness, or anxiety can overwhelm individuals with BPD and potentially trigger impulsive behaviors.

4. Rejection or abandonment in relationships: Actual or anticipated relationship difficulties, breakups, or conflicts may trigger fear and emotional instability.

5. Loss or separation: Experiences of loss, including the death of a loved one or the end of a significant relationship, can be highly triggering for individuals with BPD.

6. Feeling misunderstood or invalidated: When people don’t understand or dismiss their experiences or emotions, individuals with BPD may feel invalidated, leading to emotional distress.

7. Loneliness or social isolation: Being alone or feeling socially isolated can trigger feelings of emptiness and intensify BPD symptoms.

Related: Best 99 Coping Skills (+FREE Coping Worksheets)

Should I be worried about my partner’s risk of suicide or self-harm?

If you have concerns about your partner’s risk of suicide or self-harm, it is crucial to take their feelings seriously and prioritize their safety.

Evaluate the severity of your partner’s suicidal ideation or self-harm tendencies. Consider factors such as frequency, intensity, past attempts, access to means, and any recent major life stressors.

Suggest that your partner seek immediate assistance from a mental health professional. It is essential that they receive proper evaluation and treatment tailored to their needs.

If there are any accessible means of self-harm or suicide, work together with your partner to remove or reduce their access to them. This might involve securing medications or objects that could be used for self-harm.

Collaborate with your partner and a mental health professional to create a safety plan. This plan should include coping strategies, emergency contacts, and steps to follow during periods of crisis.

By Hadiah

Hadiah is a counselor who is passionate about supporting individuals on their journey towards mental well-being. Hadiah not only writes insightful articles on various mental health topics but also creates engaging and practical mental health worksheets.

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